The Moment Of Truth

It’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post on this new and fledgling blog space. My intention was/is to post at least 2x per week. I have fallen behind. Life has happened, as it always does-pulling me this way and that. But the barrier to entry has nothing to do with externals. I think and feel every second of every day, even while sleeping. I spend time at the computer every day. I write emails, texts, make calls, space out, watch netflix. No.  I cannot blame not showing up to write on this blog on anything except simply not showing up. In this moment I am grateful that i remembered, that i noticed the space and had the thought and courage to log on. The thought started with “this is the moment of truth”.  This is the moment, after almost 2 weeks of not posting when i either step back in the ring, and spar with myself, or bow my head in shame and pretend i forgot that there even was a ring, an opponent, a title on the line. As i sit here and write, I am a champion,  for i have bloodied my knuckles against the cartilage of my fear.

Embrace Your Fucked-upness

The whole thing about what to share on a blog, what to say, what to write, what to feel, what to post, who to be etc….

I always feel like there’s something wrong with me, like when i  finally get “there”  and finally do “that” THEN I’ll really have some cool shit to post and share on social media, THEN I’ll show them how awesome I am. Then I’ll open my heart and share my music/thoughts/feelings etc….

The thing is, my particular brain almost NEVER thinks I’m “there” no matter where i go or what i accomplish. In fact, the essence of the problem (i think?) is not what i do or do not accomplish, how i do or do not feel/appear/behave, but rather  that i constantly wait until  I reach some  imagined time or place to allow myself to settle in and be ok with who I am.

Right here right now as I write these exact words on this exact page on this exact laptop is an attempt to say:  “hey universe, i don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but, I’m tired of trying to figure it out within my own brain so i’m gonna try something different and just pour it out and see what happens”. A lot of this inspiration comes from one of my favorite blogs The Lefsetz Letter

In his “letter”, Bob Lefestz,  writes a lot about many things to do with the music biz, technology, politics, trends, and just personal stuff from his life . One  his recurring themes  is  the old model  vs the new model of releasing material/managing one’s “image” as a musical artist. For him the old model (which is what i grew up with) was about spending a year or more on a record, polishing it, “perfecting” it and then releasing it. Even though he himself is in his late 60’s, he posits, and in my opinion rightly understands,  that the new way of doing things, what works now in these times and in this marketplace (with “the kids”), is to actually let people in on your process, let  people connect to you and to release more material more frequently and see what “sticks”.  If something doesn’t work, no biggie, pivot and keep creating. No one knows anymore what works,  what will connect, big media and big money marketing are grasping for straws.  Attention spans are  short, things move fast, let go of the preciousness of each release, each piece of art….

Ok, I’m getting a bit off topic and I urge you to read his blog if you want to hear more of his sometimes controversial and harsh views. What I resonate with is that I can get busy and share my process. That my “old” way of always wanting to present some crafted image, and since i never feel fully formed, rarely, if ever, presenting anything at all can go right out the window. Today. Right now. In this moment.                                                        I EMBRACE MY FUCKED-UPNESS.       More Fucked-upness to come……….

 

9 Reasons I’m Starting This Blog

  1. Overcoming Fear
  2. To Document My Experiences As a Human
  3. To Document My process as an Artist
  4. To Use & Develop my Talent/Skill as a writer
  5. To Share My Music & Ideas
  6. To Break free of Isolation & Connect
  7. To Transform My Bad Habits Into Good Habits
  8. I Love reading Blogs and felt Inspired to Start One
  9.  I want to stop Hiding and See what happens with my music, career & life